pip 3

prose in progress, part 3

2007

November 16th. The second wedding that year she was to attend. And she wasn’t going to this one by herself. A married woman just doesn’t show up at weddings by herself. Never mind she wasn’t with her husband any more since almost a decade. Her boyfriend was to come along this time. Although he said he didn’t want to. But one wedding, that of an old friend of hers in August, she had had to go to by herself already due to his reluctance. And it felt all wrong. It had been hard to put on a smile as she herself was so unhappy. So she couldn’t stomack another occasion to be friendly and flirtatious toward the other single guests as one has to be when attending a wedding unaccompanied. Plus having to show empathy and joy for the bride and groom. That, at least, she truly felt. Even if she didn’t see the point in them getting married. They had been happy together since more than ten years. Why change that? Anyways, she wished them well. But she wanted someone by her side to talk to during the course of the evening. As she didn’t know any of the bride’s or groom’s family or friends yet. The rest of the crowd would be made up of colleagues she saw everyday anyways. After all, she had always taken an interest in his circle of friends and his family, not always wanting to be there, either. But willing to take part in his life. So she just put her foot down, stipulating for him to come along. Not a good idea, as it turned out. As he took his revenge, really going for another woman. So she sat alone again, this time feeling even worse. Gutting the embarrassment of it all. On top having to listen to him waxing lyrical about that woman all the way home. She just should have done what she wanted to do initially: Leave him there and drive home alone. Never to let him through the front door again. But again, she was considering his needs above her own impulses. There was no way for him to get back to town from that place in the middle of the night. But that very night she stayed awake as he snored off happily drunk and made her decision. It was not the fact that he had openly tried to sex up another woman that infuriated her most. She knew he was wanting for other women and was maybe even sleeping with them. It was the fact that he insisted in being in love with her at the same time denying her the bodily part of it for years now. Yet refusing to leave her. So she had to do it, by the looks of it. She hated that. To her, this was a revolting thought. She was the one aching. She was the one in love and wanting that guy so badly every day, every night. She felt it was not right that she had to call the whole thing quits. This was the final insult, enraging her to the point of shaking. Nevertheless, her mind was made up. She would sleep over it for a couple of days to give her anger a chance to abate. Just to check back on her decision. Imagining the consequences of it. Fretting over the question of how to go on from there. Leaving Berlin altogether? For that, she would have to look for a new job. And where would she want to live? She reckoned, it was not so much a question of where she wanted to live but where she could pin down employment. This being the wrong time of year to look for another job if it were to be a good one. It is a known fact within the golfing industry that whoever hasn’t got a contract by end of September for the following season is left to put up with the crappy leftovers on the market. That meant for her a very limited choice on jobs available. No security in getting one, either. Plus having to leave the city as there was nothing suitable on offer within Berlin. But she liked Berlin. She did not want to go elsewhere. So she had to face the fact that she would have to see him every week, as he was teaching bridge to club members at her place of work. For one entire year, minimum. She could avoid that if she shifted the rooster a bit, taking her day off on that specific day of the week whenever possible. But then there was the bridge club to consider, too. This was also her club. And the people she liked to spend time with. Over the years, she noticed, she had build her social circle almost entirely around this guys life whereas he never much intermingled with hers. So the thought of separating was threatening her more than him in this respect. But it was her own fault, really. She wondered about the reactions of those who knew them as an item, only. As people tend to take sides whenever a couple splits up. Most bridge players had known him for much longer than her and with different partners before her, so they would most likely side up with him, she guessed. Anyways, she would find out soon enough. What worried her most though, was the question of how to survive the heartbreak. She even considered going back on her decision. Wasn’t it better after all to be unhappy in a relationship than being alone? She knew that was nonsense, but she couldn’t help considering that option in earnest. She was so scared of the pain. Of the evenings spent alone, crying. The longing that would surely come. The regret, that also would come. Because as soon as they separated, she would not feel the impossibility of what was her present situation anymore. She would just wish for him to be in the same room again. No matter how bad that makes her feel. Just to be in his presence would be enough, she’d think. Knowing that this wasn’t so in reality. But do something about this emotional memory gap. She cursed herself for knowing all this. It would be much easier to be inexperienced in such matters. Just acting, based on the moment and her immediate needs. She said to herself: “Woman, you are too old for this shit. Just make sure to protect yourself from anything like it in future, if at all possible. Stay away from love for good, this time. Last call for sanity, really. If you aren’t going crazy over this one, this is.” In the end it was quite simple. As all big things are quite simple. It took but one sentence: “I do not want to be with you any longer.” Followed by silence, no fight put up, no questions asked. Both knew anyways. And both have been avoiding that moment for far too long. A few minutes later the door closed behind her and she was off to work. And to a very long winter of suffering. Worse even than she had forseen.