It is surreal. I can’t help but feel cushioned, somehow protected, as if something like this is not going to happen to me. But am still shivering.

Today, my poor sweetheart has to attend his wife’s funeral. And of course I will be there for him, but I am just an onlooker, a visitor with no personal relationship to mourn. Empathy, yes, a lot of, sadness, yes, but real grief – no.

In recent years, whenever a conversation turned to the topic of fear and the question was asked “What is the thing you fear most?”, I inevitably would come up with the one big thing, I am really afraid of. My father’s death. I am and always have been a daddy girl and still can not begin to fathom, how I will be able to cope. This winter he got so bad, I had to face the fact, that this time is approaching fast. If not today, then some time soon. Still, there is no answer to the question of how to cope.

And yet, during the last twelve months, so many people in my aquaintance died. Customers, friends, now my sweetheart’s wife. I have attended so many funerals, spoke with so many members of family left behind. Seen the hardships, the pain and suffering they go through and tried to find the right words to say or things to do.

At some point during last year, I started to get the impression, this is  a training session, life holds for me. To get accustomed to the world of grief. To soften the blow, when it finally will hit me.