not funny

What I have come to learn during the last couple of days, is:

• almost everything I do for fun, enjoyment or relaxation is connected with a cigarette
• so is concentration, creativity and focus
• it is surprising, that traffic works sans nicotine at all

It is way too early, to speak about my experience as a non-smoker. All I can talk about, is, how hard it is, trying to stop. Which it isn’t. It is not as  hard as I have thought it would be.

It is just, that all the fun has gone out of my life. I seriously start to ask myself, why I do this. I don’t enjoy my mornings, my coffees, I hate getting into my car, I don’t enjoy my brakes at work anymore,  the list goes on and on. Nothing is fun anymore. The glass of wine is stale, good food seems an awful waste, if one can’t have that smoke after it.

I don’t think I have ever driven a car one kilometer into any which direction without lighting a cigarette – I wonder how I get to work these days. It is an outright miracle I haven’t caused an accident so far. Oddly enough, this is hardest: not smoking in my car.

All the nice things I did and liked: all of them are related with a cigarette. And every means of ease and recreation are also connected with nicotine. So, I am NOT having a good time at all. And it isn’t, because I find it too hard to not smoke. Given, it ain’t easy, either, but most of all it seems so pointless. Why put oneself through this to just end up having no fun at anything and nothing to look forward to? It is not as if I could say to myself: “Oh, great, you made it for another day. So as a reward, you can finally have a cigarette.”, is it? Because I can’t. And reward, in my book, reads: a cigarette, more than anything else.

Oh, yes, I hear you. Health! Old age! But honestly, what point is there in winding up ancient in a hospital, dying of absolutely nothing?