falling out of time

I am sure, some of you feel something similar during these weird times.

Most of us are grounded at home, most worklife stopped apruptly. One gets the impression of falling out of time. (I am aware, this won’t apply to health care workers or other relevant folks, who rush themselves to help any way they can, and thank you for that.) Uncertainty and for very many even existential worries are predominant. I am glad, I don’t need to worry about such fundamental things.


I never thought, anything like this would ever happen to me. In a way, even now, after week three of full stop, it has not really registered with me. Don’t get me wrong, I am not stupid. Well, not that stupid, anyways. I do get, what is going on.  I watch the news. I check the German, Austrian, American and British news available to me on tv, just to get a fuller picture. I see the fever curve of statistics, the desperate doctors and nurses, those fallen ill suffering in their ICUs, all the horrid pictures in the wake of this virus.

But still, somehow, I feel, I don’t belong in this. I am no part of this. It’s just like standing on a level crossing, with the train thundering past, the noise deafening. Standing still so close to all the havoc, yet 100% sure, once the train passed, everything will be right back to normal. Motion will come back instantly, life will commence. With the noise of the train trailing off, one already forgets, it ever flew past. I stand by on this crazy track, expecting the normal to kick in any day soon. But – told you earlier – I am aware, things might not be back to normal ever again. Seemingly I am not able to level the intellectual information processed with my emotions. My inner being has some catching up to do…

But does it, really? On Sunday, I watched The Voice – Kids on tv. You might know the format, a talent show for folks younger than 15 years. A panel consisting of well known (in this case German) pop stars selecting the best singer of all the talents presenting themselves. To coach the kids through various songs, they have to perform in the course of the show, the panel call in many a host-coach, also famous and frantically greeted by the younsters. Sweetheart and I just looked at each other, as we didn’t know a single one of the so called “Stars” that were so hailed by the teenage generation. Their songs known to everyone in the audience. But us. This was like a punch in the belly.

We frequently  attend pop and rock concerts. Well, maybe three, four times a year, but even so. We think ourselves to be hip.  Hey, we live in Berlin. On the pulse of things.

Turns out, we are somewhere else all together. We attend fringe events for the elderly, apparently. We couldn’t even tell, what is in now. We live so far away from this new reality, that I feel like the proverbial old woman on the windowsill. Looking down to the yard, where the kids play into a future, that has no longer any resemblance with what is familiar to me. And the old folks wish them well…

I turn to my little cat for some comfort. At least Lilly is a bit like me: Baking in the sun on that windowsill, watching her own reality.  At her own sweet time…

alte frau

6 thoughts on “falling out of time

  1. Your perspective on this is so innocent, it’s almost childlike and it’s admirable. I relate and vision myself in your “train track” example. The “norm” does definitely present itself in a way that I feel like this is the neighbors house…that’s over there. The idea of you even saying that your emotions and your intellect aren’t on the same page is humbling because I’ve been saying (to myself) that I’m in a weird space with this. Intellectually I get whats happening in the world and yet spiritually and emotionally I have a peace around this whole thing. Thank you for sharing your light, it’s beautiful and much appreciated.


  2. I get what you’re saying, Ly. The plague is all around me, encroaching from every direction and yet, I feel like I’m above it or in a bubble or something. Also the time thing. Without a routine of places to go–church on Sunday, gym on Mon-Wed-Fri, donut shop on Saturday–I am often not sure what day it is. Last Thursday, I thought it was Friday all day. I ate a tuna sandwich for lunch and was making homemade macaroni and cheese for dinner to comply with Catholic Lenten rule. Hubby spoke up. I checked my phone, I checked the newspaper, sure enough, it was Thursday. Not the first mix-up since social distancing began. I don’t worry about being hip anymore; kids can spot an impostor a mile away, laughing when I say something un-hip, like “hip.” The cat and dogs keep us entertained. They are having the time of their lives… humans available to let them in/out whenever they want. 🙂

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      1. LOL. No, you’re definitely not alone. And now I’m more mixed up than ever. I put together a homemade lasagna this morning (with Italian sausage). Far enough from Friday to be safe, even if the exact day is a mystery. 🙂

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  3. I can relate to your sense of falling out of time – in a few days it will have almost a month since we first isolated ourselves. Four weeks??! Where have they gone?! As you know, I am not looking forward to things going back to normal – because nothing was really normal in that former life. I am continually hoping that a whole new normal will emerge. That the moron will finally be booted off our screens and out of the office he’s been pretending to hold. That all the problems with our health care/prison/political/ economic systems that Corona is dragging to the surface will finally be addressed – and with just a little bit more humanity.
    As for not recognizing the new stars of the music industry – don’t worry about it. I think no one will recognize the majority of them a few months from now. So many artificially marketed flashes in pans . . .

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