61 – 2

Oh, how I wish, I could send you a “Happy Birthday” blog post today. But this is the second time over, you don’t live to see it.

Tonight I feel so weak
But all in love is fair
I turn the other cheek
And I feel the slap and the sting of the foul night air

This verse is taken from the Melissa Etheridge song “Bring me some Water”. It deals with adultery and jelaousy in a partnership. But if I had to describe my own emotions during the past two years, the verse also works. The “Kraken” (which is how you called the cancer that caused your untimely death) and what it did to you and your family, cast this shadow over everything. Dominating the memories of you, crowding out all the good times we ever had. Leaving just waves of sorrow hitting like slaps. It is surprising, how well this line fits, actually. And we were just close friends. But I loved you. So there was nothing left but to turn the other cheek…

Don’t get me wrong: the above is a description, not a complaint. Who am I to complain? All this is nothing compared to what your family went through. Or what you had to face. I can’t even fathom, what kinds of terror and fear you must have suffered, in addition to the bodily pains. You stood tall, all backbone, while the Kraken literally consumed it, vertebra by vertebra… bearing it brave und unflinching. Barely a complaint, always determined to get better. At the end hasting to finish little love projects, sensing how short your time ran…

To get back to my point: A few days ago, I unexpectedly found an old snap shot of you setting the table. Seems, the pic wasn’t worthy of a spot in the album then, so I just used it as a bookmark. Thumbing through the book, it fell out. All of a sudden, I caught myself smiling at the memories it evoked. We had so much fun that particular evening. You visited here in Berlin, we had just spent the afternoon doing nothing in particular. The obligatory game of Scrabble, lots of jabbering. Sweetheart in the kitchen stewing up some dinner, you setting the table. Everbody looking forward to the evening’s entertainment ahead. What a blissful day! How lucky I am, to have shared it with you. This ponderings were followed by a wave of gratitude. Just like the messages, the firstgraders at your school made your colleagues write on their farewell – poster for you (clipping shown) :

Alina says “Thank you”, Kaya says “thank you”, Simon says “thank you”, Werner says “thank you”, Birgit says”thank you”.

Well, Lyart also says”thank you”.

This was new . So the slap and the sting seem superable. There is hope for a time with mostly good memories. My Birthday wish for you this year goes out to your family, instead: May the same become true for you all, too.

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